Self-Defense 101: Keeping Your Cool While You Fight

Dan Weissmann

Navigating the U.S. well being care system can really feel like a “battle royale.” From difficult unfair medical payments to wrestling with insurance coverage firms over pre-authorizations, sufferers should be prepared to stay up for themselves. 

So, how are you going to keep cool and assured in these fights? On this rebroadcast of “An Arm and a Leg” from 2020, host Dan Weissmann hits up self-defense coach Lauren Taylor about methods for standing up for your self and hears how she utilized her strategy in her personal combat for well being care protection.

Dan Weissmann

@danweissmann

Host and producer of “An Arm and a Leg.” Beforehand, Dan was a employees reporter for Market and Chicago’s WBEZ. His work additionally seems on All Issues Thought-about, Market, the BBC, 99 % Invisible, and Reveal, from the Middle for Investigative Reporting.

Credit

Emily Pisacreta
Producer

Adam Raymonda
Audio Wizard

Ellen Weiss
Editor

Marian Wang
Editor

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Transcript: Self-Protection 101: Holding Your Cool Whereas You Combat

Word: “An Arm and a Leg” makes use of speech-recognition software program to generate transcripts, which can comprise errors. Please use the transcript as a device however verify the corresponding audio earlier than quoting the podcast.

Dan: Hey there – Earlier than we begin, I simply wish to say THANK YOU for supporting our work right here. Due to you, we beat all of our objectives for the top of 2023. 

Meaning we collected each greenback of matching funds that had been on supply — and since so many people turned donors for the primary time, we earned a bonus from the Institute for Nonprofit Information. 

So we’re beginning this 12 months in good condition, which is nice, as a result of we’ve bought some massive tasks deliberate. 

Thanks a lot.

Now, in much less pleasant information, I’m preventing a bit of bit with my insurance coverage firm proper now. Or … is it the hospital billing workplace I’m preventing with? Each retains sending me again to the opposite. It’s … a superb time.

There’s a First Assist Package publication in all this, however for now I’m struggling to search out the hours for all of the telephone calls, and to maintain my composure. 

On that final notice– holding my composure —  this looks like a superb time to deliver again what stands out as the most helpful episode we’ve ever completed, from late 2020.

You prepared? Right here we go.

I bought a voicemail from a listener named Amanda Jaffe. She’s been listening to our episodes about people who combat again in opposition to insurance coverage firms and outrageous payments. And he or she says she’s form of a bulldog herself on these items. BUT she says there’s a snag. Possibly you’ll be able to relate — I undoubtedly can.

Amanda Jaffe: After I name the insurance coverage firms, I begin to get indignant to a degree the place perhaps it’s unproductive. So I want some steerage on find out how to stay cool when calling insurance coverage firms. Thanks. I’d really want the assistance.

Dan: YES. I’ve been serious about this for months and months. We’ve been listening to from individuals who combat and combat, and typically win, and a few issues preserve getting clearer:  

ONE: You’re in all probability gonna spend a LOT of time on the telephone, loads of it on maintain, and loads of it with individuals who, for one motive or one other, should not gonna appear that useful. 

And TWO, I preserve listening to over and over:  You’ve gotta preserve your cool. OK, positive.

However I preserve questioning many times: OK, HOW?

And at the moment, I feel I’ve bought precisely the individual I’ve been in search of.

Lauren Taylor: My identify is Lauren Taylor. I run Defend Your self in Washington, DC, and we train individuals abilities for stopping harassment, abuse, and assault.

Dan: So for like a YEAR I’ve been describing this present as being centered on self-defense in opposition to the price of well being care. And Lauren is an precise self-defense instructor. Has been one for thirty-five years.

And it seems self-defense — the best way Lauren and her colleagues train it —  is NOT simply the hitting and the kicking. It’s defending your self in opposition to all types of … encroachment. Road harassment. Creepy co-workers. Simply standing up for your self. You would possibly’ve seen, Lauren mentioned her group teaches individuals abilities for stopping harassment, abuse, and assault. 

And abuse …  I’m undecided that’s too robust a phrase for the way the health-care industrial advanced treats individuals. 

So, Lauren herself is simply wrapping up an EPIC combat together with her medical health insurance.  And he or she has been utilizing self-defense abilities all alongside the best way. I’m not going into all the main points. 

Lauren Taylor: There’s been so many issues. I truthfully can’t bear in mind all of them. 

Dan: However we talked by means of them– as a result of she’s bought ’em written down.

Lauren Taylor: That is additionally a self-defense factor, which is doc, proper?

Similar to you’ll with a stalker or a office harasser or, uh, even uh, An abusive companion, is doc all the pieces as a result of, you would possibly want it 

Dan: You train this within the class.

Lauren Taylor: Oh yeah.

Dan: I stroll in, assume I’m gonna discover ways to want someone within the nuts. And also you’re like, “get a pocket book.” I’m like, wow.

Lauren Taylor: Individuals, individuals do stroll in considering they’re going to discover ways to, , knee somebody within the groin, and we do train that. however I can’t let you know how typically in evaluations individuals  inform us that they had been fully blown away by all the opposite stuff that they be taught, which is actually about empowerment.

Dan: Sure. Sure, please. Let’s have a few of that. 

That is An Arm and a Leg — a present about the price of well being care. I’m Dan Weissmann. I’m a reporter, and I like a problem. So my job right here is to take some of the enraging, terrifying, miserable points in American life– and YES, there’s a bunch of these, however I’m sticking with this one– and produce a present that’s entertaining, empowering, and helpful.

And right here we’re.    

Right here’s Lauren’s deal: It begins the early Eighties, 

Lauren Taylor: I had saved up cash and I used to be gonna take a while and journey on my own. And a pal of mine informed me a few self-defense class that she had taken. And I assumed, “Oh, that’s a extremely good thought. I ought to in all probability try this if I’m going to journey on my own.”   

Dan: She says it modified her life. Like, as an adolescent, she’d handled a LOT of road harassment. She figured, man, that’s simply the way it goes.

Lauren Taylor: And I had all the time thought that if anyone tried to rape me, there can be nothing I might do as a result of by definition they’d be greater and stronger than me. 

And the true life-changing piece of the self-defense class was realizing that that was incorrect. It was realizing that I had energy and that I might harm someone who was making an attempt to harm me. 

Dan: How did that really feel?   

Lauren Taylor: It’s, it’s completely life altering. I imply, even now,  like, simply inform it to you. I nonetheless really feel like a rush of vitality by means of my physique saying it.

Dan: It’s thrilling. It’s like, holy shit! I’m not helpless

Lauren Taylor: Yeah. I can defend myself. Yeah. And I’ve energy and, and . A giant piece of it is also I’ve permission to do that and I need to be protected.I deserve to have the ability to defend myself. 

And all of these should not messages that, you recognize, most of us get rising up nonetheless. And definitely not once I was rising up. So, it’s form of like, caught the fever after which wished to unfold the gospel of self-defense. 

Dan: So, she’s been instructing self-defense since 1985.

I requested her: So, how did it change your life– past the truth that you began instructing it? Like, what did you do in another way?

She says for starters, she did take that journey, and there was an evening or two that didn’t go based on plan: Her place to crash fell by means of, she was out late, misplaced, a bit of scared. And he or she took out a pen, so in case she wanted to harm someone, she’d have a pen to harm them with. She did NOT have to make use of it, however having a plan helped her preserve cool.

However that wasn’t the large stuff. The large stuff was standing up for herself in different methods. Like when her boss in a full-time volunteer gig began sexually harassing her.  

Lauren Taylor: Whereas earlier than I might have appreciated, you recognize, suffered and wrung my fingers and journaled about it and known as 12 pals and, thought perhaps there was one thing incorrect with me  and you recognize, all of these issues I didn’t do, I used to be identical to, Actually no, don’t do that.

Dan: After which what occurred?

Lauren Taylor: Ge just about minimize it out. 

Dan: YEAH. After which there was her mother. Who did NOT deal properly with Lauren being homosexual. It was painful. After which there was the ultimate straw:  

Lauren Taylor: We had a big household reunion and She didn’t invite my companion and she or he invited my siblings companions.

Jesus, ouch. They’d had loads of conversations. Now Lauren set a tough boundary. She put it in writing to her mother: 

Lauren Taylor: There are some basic items I want from you, or I’m not going to have the ability to keep in touch with you. Proper. So, if there’s a household occasion, My companion will get invited , that’s self-defense 

Dan: That first self-defense class Lauren took had not coated Dealing With Troublesome Household Members, however Lauren says she’d gotten the message:

Lauren Taylor: It was okay. to require sure sorts of respect from individuals.  it was okay to be who I used to be, that wasn’t my fault that folks handled me as lower than all of that form of stuff.

Dan: And by the best way, Lauren says the courses she leads now,  they DO cowl all that form of stuff.

In different phrases, self-defense covers a LOT of territory. The large thought: In the event you’re in a troublesome spot, you need some choices. 

Lauren says she provides college students a five-part framework– 5 sorts of choices. 

They’re:  Run, yell, hit, inform, and go alongside. 

They usually’re not all literal. Like, RUN is …

Lauren Taylor: Go away stroll away. Don’t present up for the appointment, break up with the individual, something that makes you not there. 

Dan: And he or she says by YELL, she means: Use your voice.

Lauren Taylor: Assertiveness or deescalation or negotiation, or, you recognize, that’s not okay with me or don’t come any nearer or, you recognize, I gained’t come to household occasions if you happen to don’t invite my companion. Proper.

Dan: “Yell” covers loads of territory there.

Lauren Taylor: Every thing together with your phrases just about. 

Dan: Every thing with phrases you utilize with the opposite individual. As a result of there’s additionally TELL. Which she says imply — additionally actually broadly — get assist.

Lauren Taylor: It may be getting assist in the second. uh, this individual is bothering me. Can I stand with you? After which there’s, longer-term getting assist going to HR, going to a hotline, , speaking to a lawyer, 

Dan: Posting to social media.

Lauren Taylor: Posting it. Proper. precisely. 

Dan: Hit is — properly, it’s truly hitting. They follow that too.

After which there’s the final one: Go alongside. 

Lauren Taylor: We would like individuals to know that that’s an choice, proper? We’re not saying. All the time resist. We’re saying resistance is profitable far more than you’ve been informed and far more than you consider. 

However there are occasions when, going alongside, is the neatest and most secure factor so that you can do. And for instance, if somebody’s making an attempt to take your property, proper, if it’s a mugging, And also you wish to get out of there, unhurt, the neatest and most secure factor to do is to present them your property. 

Dan: Yeah. I feel you’ll be able to in all probability see the broad outlines of how this might apply to wrangling together with your insurance coverage firm or preventing unfair medical payments. I imply, discuss a mugging.  

It undoubtedly jogs my memory of one thing I mentioned once we began this self-defense collection:  We’re not gonna win ’em all. We simply don’t should lose all of them both. 

So, that’s Lauren’s framework.

Subsequent: Let’s be taught some SPECIFIC strategies and the way we will begin making use of them. That’s proper after this.

This episode of An Arm and a Leg is produced in partnership with KFF Well being Information. That’s a non-profit newsroom masking well being care in America. Their work is terrific, wins all types of awards yearly. I’m so proud to work with them.

OK. The best way to truly USE self-defense strategies with medical payments and insurance coverage BS.

We’ll begin with an instance from Lauren’s epic health-insurance combat this 12 months. We’re not gonna get into the story– it’s too lengthy, too bizarre, and it’s not even actually over. BUT we are going to zoom in on a second when Lauren’s on the telephone and the opposite individual opens by throwing up a roadblock, saying, YOU in all probability did one thing incorrect.   

I’m like, Argh, I’m already indignant. What do you do now? And Lauren’s like, “I stayed on my agenda.” 

STAYING ON YOUR AGENDA. This can be a complete self-defense factor. Lauren walks me by means of it: 

Lauren Taylor: Right here’s the method. Okay. One thing’s taking place. You realize, like someone is harassing you on the road or no matter …

Dan: Otherwise you’re calling your insurance coverage, and the opposite individual is being REALLY unhelpful.

She says you ask your self three questions, on this order: First, how am I feeling? It’s in all probability not nice. 

Lauren Taylor: I’m terrified. I’m indignant, I’m upset. I wish to cry. I really feel humiliated. 

Dan: Good instances. That’s the primary query: How am I feeling?   

Second: What do I want? Which is extra big-picture: Have to get a protected distance, want respect.  

Third, what do I WANT? That is extra particular– what would you like from the opposite individual:  

Lauren Taylor: I need you to take your fingers off me. I need you to take three steps again. I need you to knock earlier than you are available in my workplace. I need you to cease making racist jokes. no matter it’s, you flip it into what I need you to condemn, and that’s your agenda. What you wish to occur is your agenda.

So. Then once they do no matter people who find themselves misusing energy do, which is usually. Guilt journey you or making an attempt to control you or blame you want, properly, why   had been you there? Why had been you sporting that? Why did you get drunk? Um, it’s only a joke. Um, why wouldn’t have mentioned it, if you happen to hadn’t blah, blah, blah, or why you being such a bitch?

Um, you recognize, all of these issues are to get you into their net of dialog and off of your agenda and also you keep in your agenda. So if I say to you,  don’t ask me about my private life whereas we’re at work. And also you’re like, Oh Lauren, you’re so delicate. 

Dan: Yeah, I’m altering the topic. Out of the blue, we’re not speaking about what you need. We’re speaking about my notion of you. And you will have a fairly robust impulse to deal with that– Like, “Oh, geez, am I?” Or, “I AM NOT”  

Lauren Taylor: However as a substitute I’m simply going to say once more, “Hear, Dan, I requested you. I solely wish to discuss work at work. And I actually don’t like answering private questions at work. So please cease asking me.” That’s staying in your agenda.

Dan: And so how did that occur in these telephone calls?

Lauren Taylor: I simply stored saying what I wanted or. I might preserve saying  so what’s the subsequent step? What can we do from right here? 

So for example, Lauren performed out a protracted, lengthy set of calls together with her medical health insurance firm AND the state workplace that administers the Obamacare alternate in Maryland, the place she lives. 

Each time they hit an deadlock, she requested, “What’s the subsequent step?” Ultimately, the subsequent step was: file an   attraction by means of the state lawyer normal’s workplace. Lauren known as, and the primary individual to select up the telephone didn’t have a super-encouraging opening line. 

Lauren Taylor: She was like, properly, I’m positive you missed a deadline. And, um, as a substitute of claiming, I didn’t miss any deadlines as a result of then we’re into her dialog.

I mentioned, so please inform me extra about find out how to attraction. Proper? As a result of  you recognize, she in all probability talks to 100 individuals a day and, you recognize, individuals make all types of errors and you recognize, it’s an enormous headache to her, I’m positive. 

Dan: So Lauren didn’t take the bait. She stayed on her agenda… AND AFTER A WHILE, ONCE THE APPEAL WAS REALLY IN MOTION, Lauren seen the identical girl– who was now calling LAUREN with updates, typically greater than as soon as a day–  was singing a special tune. Properly, undoubtedly some new phrases.

Lauren Taylor: She was utilizing we language.

Dan: That’s what we like. Yeah, 

Lauren Taylor: proper.  So I used to be like, Oh, that is going very properly. she was like, “we simply have to determine this factor out after which we’ll allow them to know.”

“WE” language. 

OK, that is nice. 

AND it’s like:  Wait, how do I truly do that?  Like, within the second?  Like, right here’s Amanda’s query once more:

Amanda Jaffe:  I begin to get indignant to a degree the place perhaps it’s unproductive. So I want some steerage find out how to stay cool when calling insurance coverage firms. 

Dan: YEAH. Me too! Me too. 

And Lauren reframed it. She was like: OK, getting indignant, that’s not an issue, not a mistake. It’s a sense that you just’re having. And it’s a extremely affordable feeling to have.

And he or she says Amanda’s nailing it in saying:  these emotions in all probability aren’t gonna be super-helpful IN this dialog. 

So, you need a technique. An agenda. A plan. 

Lauren Taylor: In the event you can floor your self in the truth that you’re technique is to stay calm and assured whereas nonetheless being very assertive and protracted.  that may be a technique, it doesn’t imply that you need to really feel nice about what’s taking place. or that you just aren’t upset the best way that individuals are treating you.  it simply implies that as a method, you’re selecting to make use of this persona, this widespread, assured, assertive, persistent persona to try to get what you want.

Dan: So, yeah: You’re gonna be mad. That’s gonna occur. You simply don’t wanna act out these emotions within the dialog. So right here’s the precise ADVICE half: You are taking these emotions and… 

Lauren Taylor: Do them some other place. You, you recognize, go for a stroll and pound the pavement. You vent to a pal. Um, when you’ve got a automotive, you roll up the home windows and drive on a freeway and scream. Um, you discover, you recognize, you discover a place that’s in all probability not alcohol or ice cream too.

Um, To course of these emotions since you don’t need them simply hanging out in you both. That’s not good for you both. 

Dan: Which is to say: It might be good to have a plan GOING INTO the dialog about the way you’re take care of these emotions afterwards. Possibly even make a plan with someone else.  You realize… 

Lauren Taylor: Name a pal or a member of the family who’s in your own home and say, I’m going to get on the telephone with the medical health insurance firm, and we’re going to name you afterwards and vent. Proper. After which, you recognize, I’ve a spot for these emotions. It’s not that I’m squashing

Dan: Proper.

Lauren Taylor: There’s a time for that  too. 

Dan: I really like that.  However in the meantime, right here I’m IN the dialog, and issues are getting bushy, and I’m HAVING A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT IT. 

Not so calm, not so assured, NOT SO CALM. 

Lauren’s like: Proper. Obtained you coated. You wish to discover a approach that helps you shortly get calm and grounded within the second. She says being attentive to her respiration is her go-to, however 

Lauren Taylor: My manner of doing it might not be just right for you or her or someone else. Individuals have to search out what works for them to remain calm and grounded. So only a few concepts. It may be, um, respiration. It may be feeling your toes on the ground. These are my high two, nevertheless it additionally might be, you recognize, some individuals saying a fast prayer helps them.

Dan: She’s bought extra: 

Lauren Taylor: It may be, orienting your self to the room. Like, what are 5 issues I can see or can I discover three blue issues? After which what’s one factor I can hear. What’s the one factor I can really feel, these orienting issues that preserve you very a lot within the current second and in addition let you recognize, like, this can be extremely upsetting, however proper now I’m truly okay. Proper now on this second, I’m truly okay. You realize, I’m perhaps scared about dropping my medical health insurance. I could also be scared about the place the cash’s going to return from.  However if you happen to can say to your self, like, Oh proper now, I’m sitting in a room in my residence and, um, you recognize, My family members are round me or my pets are round me, or I’ve a plan for dinner or I’m going to name a pal proper now I’m okay. So there’s numerous methods to get current. and I feel that getting current is what may help this girl and everyone else.

Dan: What I hear you speaking about … Like if you say: “get into the current,” it’s like, I’m shifting my consideration. I’m shifting my consideration from this sense that I’m having that wishes to take up my complete subject of consideration. And I’m form of like reminding myself that there are different issues to present my consideration to. And now that I do know that I may give my consideration to my technique

I feel one factor that actually strikes me about what you’re saying  is … it’s form of reframing   the query. I begin to get indignant to a degree the place perhaps it’s unproductive and I feel the best way that’s framed, is how do I not have the sensation? That’s how I’m studying the questions. The issue is I get indignant. And what I’m listening to you say is like, not an issue.

Lauren Taylor: Not an issue

Dan: You’re getting indignant.

Lauren Taylor: There are actually good causes to be indignant

Dan: YES! For positive. So what you need isn’t to keep away from getting indignant– it’s simply to keep away from getting uncontrolled. You in all probability ARE going to get mad. So that you wish to plan for it.

And to overview, Lauren’s high two ideas are:

One: Have a plan for what you’re gonna do with that anger AFTER the decision. How are you going to take care of it? 

And two: Have a few favourite hacks for shortly re-focusing your consideration. To your breath, another sensation, no matter clicks for you.  

You’re in all probability gonna wish to WRITE down these tips, follow them, earlier than you get on the telephone. 

I actually love this. And speaking to Lauren, I spotted:  Being on the telephone with the insurance coverage firm– or the medical-billing workplace or whoever else within the medical-industrial advanced you’re speaking with– we’ve bought benefits we don’t have in another self-defense conditions:  

One: You’re not in the identical bodily house with that different individual. They’ll’t see you scrunch up your face, or gently rub your coronary heart, or pet the cat, or silently rely to 10 whereas they’re speaking.  

Which is totally different from being face-to-face with someone who might harm you– bodily or emotionally.

And two: You don’t have an ongoing relationship with this specific individual. It’s not like telling your mother that you just want her to ask your companion to household gatherings. Or telling your colleague to cease making racist jokes. These are relationships which might be going to maintain affecting you. And possibly preserve affecting different relationships. 

Right here, you’re like, WHATEVER, nameless insurance-company individual. Which doesn’t imply you’ll be able to act like a jerk to them– that’s not going that can assist you. However you do have an escape hatch. In the event you actually can’t take it any extra with out dropping your cool… you’ll be able to grasp up and name again later, if you’re prepared, and inform the subsequent individual, GEE, I bought disconnected earlier than. 

I inform Lauren this, and she or he’s like

Lauren Taylor: Yeah, I used to be undoubtedly considering, you recognize, you’ll be able to, when you’ve got, if you happen to’re too crammed up with feeling to be doing one thing that feels helpful, you’ll be able to completely say, you recognize, I can discuss this anymore. I’ll name, name again one other time.

Dan: Oh yeah. Proper. You don’t have to love pretend, dropping the decision. You may simply say like, wow. I feel I have to, I want a while to digest this. , I’d wish to name

Lauren Taylor: I’ll name again later.

Dan: YES. I’ll name again later. That’s the place we left issues with Lauren Taylor within the fall of 2020, and it’s all nonetheless super-relevant — as I can attest proper now, with my back-and-forth calls to the hospital and the insurance coverage firm.

One replace: Since we talked, Lauren Taylor has revealed a guide! 

Get Empowered: A Sensible Information to Thrive, Heal, and Embrace Your Confidence in a Sexist World was revealed in October 2023, and — though the title means that the guide targets people with one X chromosome greater than I occur to have — I’m trying ahead to studying it.  

We condensed a few of Lauren’s recommendation right into a First Assist Package publication final 12 months — together with associated ideas from different superstars.  We’ll put a hyperlink within the present notes — you need to be capable to discover it wherever you’re listening, and you may join any of our newsletters at arm and a leg present dot com, slash, publication.

We will probably be again in three weeks.  

Until then, handle your self.

This episode of An Arm and a Leg was produced by me, Dan Weissmann, edited in 2020 by Marian Wang, and for this re-release by Ellen Weiss. 

Emily Pisacreta is our senior producer. Adam Raymonda is our audio wizard.

Gabrielle Healy is our managing editor for viewers — she edits the First Assist Package publication.

Sarah Ballema is our operations supervisor. Bea Bosco is our consulting director of operations.

An Arm and a Leg is produced in partnership with KFF Well being Information. 

That’s a nationwide newsroom producing in-depth journalism about well being care in America, and a core program at KFF — an unbiased supply of well being coverage analysis, polling, and journalism. 

You may be taught extra about KFF Well being Information at arm and a leg present dot com, slash KFF. 

Zach Dyer is senior audio producer at KFF Well being Information. He’s editorial liaison to this present. 

Due to the INSTITUTE FOR NONPROFIT NEWS for serving as our fiscal sponsor, permitting us to just accept tax-exempt donations. You may be taught extra about INN at I-N-N dot org. 

And due to everyone who helps this present financially.  I’m about to shout out FIFTY individuals who donated within the final dozen days of 2023. You prepared?

Thanks this time to… [names redacted].

Thanks a lot!

“An Arm and a Leg” is a co-production of KFF Well being Information and Public Highway Productions.

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